Depression

Since I mentioned depression in my previous post, I thought I should have a quick word about it now.

I went through some tough times when I moved away from my family. I was also working long hours and doing quite physical work, so I am convinced that exhaustion played a part too.

In retrospect, I feel that the doctor I saw prescribed anti depressants too quickly and when I told him they weren't working, he simply said to up the dosage. He mentioned that I should think about counseling, but didn't refer me to anyone or insist on a follow up appointment.

I didn't get better until I ditched the anti depressants, but that is not to say that other people don't benefit from them.

I actually did a few stupid things while I was on them, things I wouldn't recommend. I got very drunk one night shortly after I began taking them. I can actually remember the whole thing quite well. I was as happy as Larry one minute, then we got in a car and started driving and I started to feel very sick. I opened the door while the car was in motion and the driver swerved to stop. I vomited violently on the street and burst into hysterical tears. My friends tried to console me, but I was completely gone. I couldn't stop crying. Everything inside me hurt. My friends took me back to their place and I stayed there.

Also, I took a flu tablet one morning and then went jogging with the same friends. I actually felt great and decided to tackle a steep hill at full speed. When I reached the top and slowed down, I started to panic cos I couldn't breathe. My friend caught up to me and thought I was having an asthma attack. I tried my puffer but could hardly breathe it in. He made me sit down and talked to me to calm me down. I eventually regained my breath and felt very silly.

I had not read that my pills should not be mixed with that sort of medication, though I should have known.

Later in the piece, after I knew mixing wasn't a good idea, I would take a flu night pill to help me sleep. Insomnia was a huge problem for me especially since work dictated that I get up very early. Nothing ever went wrong, but it definitely could have. I knew what I was doing and part of me didn't care. If I stopped breathing while I slept or something, I wouldn't be in so much pain anymore, so 'what the hell.'

I can see now that my trouble started much earlier, but the depression didn't rear it's ugly head until after a period when I had set about losing some weight (just before I moved away from my family). I weighed I think just over 70kg. I am quite tall, and never really had any body image issues, so it took me by surprise that I had tried so hard to lose weight. It snuck up on me I guess. It started out as a fitness kick. I still ate. I could never not eat. I just made a conscious effort to eat healthy and I also started jogging around the block before or sometimes after work. I wasn't fanatical, I didn't run every day, but when I realised I was losing weight, I wanted to lose more. It was great when my pants started to become a bit baggy.

I felt good I thought. That was over the Xmas holidays and when I returned to work, everyone noticed. I guess I had lost around 10kg in three weeks or so. I wasn't rake thin or unhealthy looking, but my boss was worried about me and talked to me about it. I assured her everything was fine. I don't remember much about the time between when she spoke to me and when I started to feel like complete crap it must have been a couple of months. I just remember asking one of my friends for her doctor's number cos I felt like crap. I thought I had the flu for a while and just wasn't getting better. I cried often when I would get home from work and started napping in the evenings. I thought I was just really tired but no matter how much I slept, I was still exhausted.

I wasn't eating well, but that was mainly because I had now moved into an apartment I shared with my friend's brother and he was hardly home and I wasn't used to cooking for one.

I guess it all added up to the crushing weight on my shoulders that I had no idea how to manage.

Speaking of shoulders, they were always tight and I had to stretch often and get my friends to dig their thumbs into my back to give me some relief. I had terrible heartburn - very often, and headaches and in the end I had a few minor panic attacks. I think all in all, I got off lightly.

I did eventually see a counselor when I felt I was annoying my friends too much and could see no end. She was nice, but my sessions only went for 45 minutes and I felt worse or the same coming out. I did start to make my own insights into what was going on in my head and there was a lot of blah from the past that came up. Mostly Mum issues, which I might get into in another post.

When it reached it's worst, things were falling apart at work and no one was really communicating with me. I had become this monster who nobody wanted to cross. It was becoming an increasingly regular occurance for me to cry at work and have to leave early. Everyone was on tender hooks. I wish somebody would have told me what I was doing. I wish somebody could have set me straight and not given up on me.

I don't blame them because there was a lot of stuff that went down but I did lose ALL my friends. It sucked. BIG TIME. I really didn't know what I was doing. I felt an overwhelming urge to hit things, I wanted to smash up a phone box or put my hand through my mirror or punch a hole in the wall. I tried.

After I left work, I got another job and my pills ran out. I decided not to get any more. Nobody had helped me, so I was just going to have to suck it up and help myself. It wasn't easy. It was a very long journey back. I never told my family what went on. I was always the strong one, so I didn't want to betray that image.

I would catch the train to my new job and just think about everything over and over in my head. I vaguely remember standing on the edge of the platform thinking... I wasn't consciously thinking about suicide, it was a very strange experience, it was like a different me on another level of my brain was thinking this and I was just staring at the tracks.

I never came closer than that to committing suicide thankfully. Over the next two or three years I went from job to job doing different things to keep my mind going. I tried to keep jobs where my hours were not too demanding. I wrote a lot of stuff down about the way I was feeling. I made attempts to contact the person I hurt most during this time, but she said she'd built a bridge and gotten over it and I should do the same.

I gained a good insight into what was going on in my head, though it's still not entirely clear to me. I feel I have resolved a lot of the issues that dogged me. My only regret is the loss of my friends, but I am a completely different person to the one they knew and I don't know if we would fit together anymore anyway.

I think it all happened for a reason. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be able to help my family and friends get through their hard times because I simply wouldn't have any idea what they were going through. Before all this, I was happy-go-lucky and nothing phased me (I had actally been bottling up a lot of stuff unbeknownst to me, but I thought I was all good). Then I went to the other extreme where every little thing bothered me. I eventually found my way back to being unphased by most things, only now it's for real. I am calm, rational (maybe a little too rational sometimes) and can genuinely experience happiness. That was one thing I felt about the anti depressants, that I have heard elsewhere. It's hard to know what you are feeling. Nothing is real except the pain and it is very frustrating. Like a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.

Like I said before. If you feel depressed, please ask for help. From anyone. You can make it.

Sorry this was such a long post, I didn't intend it to be. Stuff just kept coming out.

Peace

The Other Woman

I have just found out something about a friend of mine that I think is rather explosive and I don't know what to think about it really.

She left a few months ago back to England and she has just sent me an email that contains some pretty heavy shiz, I guess stuff she didn't want me knowing while she was here. For her sake I'll call her Emma. I consider her a good friend and a wonderful person. I have asked her permission to post about this.

Emma was traveling through Australia when she applied for a job at the cafe I worked at. We hit it off pretty well off the bat. One of the best parts of working there was that there was always new staff and lots of them were back packers from Ireland or England. They're always a good laugh cos they are just there for the money and don't take things too seriously (unlike my manager, which is why I have since left).

Anyway, I never would have expected or suspected what was going on. She has just confessed to me that she was having an affair with our boss while she was working there. She is only 23 and he's like 36 or something, also he is married with two kids. The woman he is married to is so lovely and beautiful, it's hard to fathom why he would want to stray. No offence to Emma, they are just like chalk and cheese that's all.

Emma is sort of quiet and young in the mind, not that that's a bad thing. I would say we share similar personalities, so I'm not dissing her. It's just that his wife is quite beautiful, and sophisticated (compared to us). They seemed to have an idyllic relationship, so I am quite disappointed to hear of this.

Anyway, I have responded asking for more information. I will try to document the whole story. I think it will provide quite an insight into.... I don't know - the anatomy of an affair I guess.

Emma did not sound too proud of herself, in fact the reason she let me in on this info is cos she has been depressed and she says a lot of it has to do with what happened. I feel terrible that she didn't feel she could tell me while all this was going on. I don't know what I could have (or would have) done, but maybe she wouldn't feel like shiz now.

Anyone experiencing depression should seek help. I have had my own experience with depression and know first hand how crippling it can be. Life can get better. Please let it.

Stay strong. With love.

I Miss My I iPod :-(

I have been feeling this way for some time now, but have only fully realised the impact that losing my iPod has had on me.

This has been a great tragedy for me. The iPod itself was a gift that I was able to enjoy for too short a time. It was a black Nano. What a trooper.

Losing you is like losing a part of me. When we would walk together, it was like we were in the movies and the soundtrack was inspiring and I would think of wonderful ideas that had never been thought of and we would dance and sing together and play air guitar and block out the rest of the world. There was only you and me.

Now when I walk the only music is in my memories.

When I work, my selection comes courtesy of a cd collection that hasn't been added to since 2003. It's pathetic.

Sometimes I think I am going to find you somewhere, someday, where I never thought of looking. I pray for that day. I pray that it is not far away.

I miss you. I will never forget you.